10 things I wish I knew about therapy when I became a therapist

I’ve been a therapist for a long time now, and I sometimes think I’ve seen and heard it all. When I was in grad school, I remember a professor saying that once I had about 800 therapy hours under my belt, nothing much would surprise me.

Not true. I find myself, with many, many more hours under said belt, continuously surprised by the things that happen in the therapy room and by my reactions to them.

These are things no one in my graduate education mentioned to me! Let me tell you about a few of them.

I didn’t realize how much I’d come to love my clients – well, most of them, anyway. I knew we’d have an alliance, as no therapy is effective without that, but I didn’t realize that their struggles would become mine – that I would become invested in their lives, their success in therapy, their growth. Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an unhealthy connection, but a genuine caring about people who come and pour their hearts out to me week after week. The depth of my caring for them surprised me.
The sheer goodness of people continues to astound me. It’s tempting, especially in these
fractious times, to see certain groups of people as difficult, wrong or even evil. However, I have seen over and over again that many people are kind, compassionate and caring and will go above and beyond for their family and even for others. It always warms my heart to see people reach out to others when they could easily not do so.
It’s commonly thought that only huge gestures make a substantial difference in the world, but I have seen many times that it’s the small things that make the biggest change – the hug when it’s needed, the word of encouragement when all else is hard, the smile across the room. You can have a big impact with a small change in therapy – and therapists can be the catalyst for that. I've been delighted to be that, occasionally, for my clients.
Good therapy is messy sometimes. In grad school, we see the giants of our field performing miracles in an almost scripted way – it looks so easy! A therapist and a client get together and wham! The client achieves all their goals and leaves a healthy person in one session! Follow the plan and it will all turn out the way it should. Therapy is not like that at all! It can be unpredictable, freeform and benefit by fits and starts and astounding revelations. Very seldom does it look anything like training videos because both the therapist and the client are human, and transcend pat systems, goals and therapy plans.
It’s about the journey, not the destination. Therapy is a process, and sometimes a long, involved, frustrating process. Real change is hard, and many people resist it. Sometimes what looks like the problem in the beginning of therapy is not the problem at all. Sometimes there’s not even a problem, but what is being done to alleviate “the problem” is causing an issue. What is learned on the journey is the meaning. The destination is nice, but occasionally you find you didn’t need to arrive there after all.
It’s really true that everyone is so different. My specialties have been couples therapy and sex therapy, and I can’t think of categories to lump any of my clients into – everyone is so unique! Even if their “issue” is similar, their approach, their personalities, and so very much about their situation is going to be very different. It’s one of the things that makes this job the best in the world – it’s so very diverse and interesting.
There have been times I’ve been very hard on myself – times when I thought I screwed up. And of course, I have done that occasionally, because I, too, am human. However, I have learned that many times when I worry that I missed something in a session, or took a client a direction I later thought wasn’t helpful – often that client tends to look at that moment as a turning point for the good. It’s funny but my perception of the session might be totally out of sync with the client’s perception!
Silence is my friend. As an extrovert, I really had to learn this one. I remember being an intern and having a pastor tell me that an extrovert couldn’t be a therapist – they would talk too much. I asked a professor (who was an extrovert) for her opinion and she said, and I’ve never forgotten – “Be who you are. You will find the right balance as long as you continue to practice listening.” How right she was. It was a challenge to learn to listen more than I spoke, but I do believe it’s been great both therapeutically and personally for me.
So much sadness. It’s hard sometimes to absorb all the issues in a client’s life – all their struggles can feel like yours, and it’s tempting sometimes to fall into the same darkness they feel. My husband jokes that he can tell what kind of day I had by the way I talk to him as I walk in the door – whether I’m happy or sad or in between. Sometimes the sadness and hopelessness our clients feel comes to roost in us, too.
And yet – so much joy. There’s nothing like helping someone become whole and healthy and find new and wonderful ways to cope and connect. It’s the greatest experience for a therapist when their client says “I think I might be good ... maybe I don’t need more therapy!” and you KNOW they have done the work and gotten the results they wanted. There’s nothing like it.

As I write my last blog for Sanctuary Christian Counseling, and wrap up my nearly 25-year sojourn as a therapist, it’s fun to reflect on the growth I’ve had as a therapist and as a person who IS a therapist. My clients have been all – more -- than I could have wanted. Knowing and helping them has been the honor of a lifetime. It’s been a fun ride, and a successful one.

As always, if you are looking for a GREAT therapist, Sanctuary Christian Counseling is your place. All the therapists are solid, wonderful clinicians who care deeply about their clients and who provide excellent therapy and support.

At Sanctuary Christian Counseling we help grieving individuals, distressed kids and teens and couples in conflict find peace, solutions and connection.

Give us a call – 717-200-3158

Or an email – info@sanctuarychristiancounseling.com

Find our website – www.sanctuarychristiancounseling.com

Or the website for my new venture - retire-and-thrive.com

So long for now!